Strategies for parenting

An online friend of mine asked me what I do to keep my sanity when things are tough with the kids. She just adopted two little ones, and things are not always easy. I sent her this reply, and I thought it would make a good post. When we first adopted, anytime I even hinted that things weren't all butterflies and lollipops, people would immediately suggest that our adoptions were a mistake. I can complain all day about our bio 16 year old, and my friends and family will commiserate, but I don't dare say anything negative about our adopted 15 year old. And, for the record, John was difficult to like the first few months. We loved him, of course, but until he unlearned his orphanage behaviors, and relearned family behaviors, it was hard to like his behavior. John was a big bully and just not nice the first few months. 
 I don't know if this will help, but I'll tell you some of the strategies I used to stay sane when we had the four (very, very demanding) foster children (ages 2, 3, 5 & 8), plus a foreign exchange student, our 2 bio sons who were 10 and 13, and a surprise 11 puppies. The puppies nearly did me in because I had to get up to feed them every two hours...the mother was just spent and couldn't nurse them.
Every day, I'd sit on the rowing machine or run on the treadmill for the minimum of one hour. These exercise machines are in our recreation room (basement) and the kids are in there with me playing, whining, fighting, watching TV or whatever. But I had my ear-buds in my ears, and I CAN'T HEAR YOU! If I had to get off the machine to intercede (fighting), then I added another 15 minutes onto the time I had previously allotted. The timer sits on the shelf, showing the little ones how much longer I was going to exercise. In the summer, once a week my mother in law would come over. She would watch the kids on the swings while just I drove the riding lawn mower for an hour. Again, I CAN'T HEAR YOU. My mother in law would wave to me if I really needed to intercede, but for the most part she could just ignore the crying and whining because she knew I'd be done in an hour. And she was a fresh face, who hadn't been listening to the whining all week. After I was widowed (with four children at home) I would take the kids to the school track, with balls and squirt guns etc., and run around them as they played in the grassy center. If they wanted to talk to me or be WITH me, they had to run with me. My 16 year old is now ranked nationally as a runner, and our 13 year old ran a 15k (9.3 mile!) race when he was only 9. So they did eventually learn to run with me to get my attention, and we still run together regularly (although everyone but Ben can beat me now). I also ran with the 6 & 3 year olds in a double stroller. Again, ear-buds blocked out their fighting. We ran 3 miles to a park, I got them out to play, and then 3 miles home. 90 minutes of sanity a day. For me, everyone was better behaved when we weren't in the house all day. We did an excursion of some sort every day. We rotated playgrounds etc. Several moms take kickboxing and  taekwondo with me every day 12-2p. Their little ones go in the playroom with their leapsters, the older ones can read, and we moms take an hour  or two for ourselves. I also sit in the hot-tub with my husband every night. All children must be in their rooms by 8:30pm---or else you're going to be really embarrassed when you see your mom naked. The teens can read or do homework, but no one is to come downstairs after 8:30pm.  Once a week, our kids have a sparring class (taekwondo) that lasts until 7:30pm. My hubby and I sit in a local tavern and simply catch-up with each other. We cherish our "date-nights," even though they only last an hour or so. At least we get out, alone, once a week!
We have a behavior chart on a white board, and every morning when the kids do what they are supposed to do without fuss (up on time, breakfast, teeth, dressed, practice guitar at 6:30am-7:00am) then they get a mark on the good side of the chart. If they fight, complain, or oversleep, they get a mark on the bad side of the chart. On Sunday nights, if the child has 5 MORE good things then bad things, he gets $5 allowance. If they have 5 more bad than good, he owes me an extra job, such as cleaning the garage. Every child does his own laundry. The only laundry I do is my own and sheets. Each child has a hook on the back of his door with his towel. I'm sure the laundry isn't sorted or folded nicely, but I don't care. It works for me! And, I'll admit it, drinking wine helps too!

Changes and sacrifices

Today we went skiing again. The conditions haven't been great this year, but it is still one activity that we can all enjoy together, no matter how old. Ben continues to amaze us with his progress. Sickly and weak a year ago, he is now fearlessly tearing up the ski hill. This spring he is also going to compete in Taekwondo. The state championship tournaments are held Feb-May, and the Junior Olympics is in June.The "big boys" competed all over the nation last year, and Ben wants to be just like his big brothers. However, this will be the last year that any of us be on the competition team, because of finances. Six boys in private school will take its toll on our budget. And I really won't be able to leave the two little guys at home in order to travel with the big boys. What I found great, is that when I mentioned to the boys (quite casually) that we wouldn't be able to afford all the travel involved in competing next year, they were completely ok with NOT competing. Connor went as far as to say that we "Do too much. Really. Just too much. We SHOULD cut back on things." In fact, both John and Connor also offered to discontinue guitar lessons, if our budget gets too tight. Here I thought they would be absolutely devastated to give up competitive martial arts, and they both said they would be just as happy to do school sports in the future (that are mostly free)! Austin competes in three school sports, and he's happy, so I don't know why I'm surprised. I am just thrilled that none of the kids even implied that if we had a smaller family we wouldn't have to worry about money. They are all looking forward to having more little guys in the house....EVEN AUSTIN. God is good.

The best post ever!

I just read the best post ever!! I can't even compare, so I'll just link it here. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html

Flights to China

Instead of exercising for hours this morning, I spent all morning on the computer. First, I was checking flights to and from China. Because I was an international travel agent for many years, I am super particular about flights. And I want more information than the online sites provide the average consumer. For instance, I want to know the fare breakdown (or fare ladder). That allows me to see how much each segment of the flight actually costs. So, if Rochester to Harbin is a through fare, then it will be the same price as Rochester to Beijing. That means I'll book our flights directly with United right to Harbin. But if it's a point to point fare, it might be cheaper to book to Beijing and then book Beijing to Harbin with China Air directly. I hate not having access to the United Apollo system anymore. I also spent a long time today reading other people's blogs. Their stories are so inspiring, and truly uplifting. Their stories keep me going, during this long process. I had to set our blog to private today because the anti-adoption crowd has made us their latest target. So our story won't be available to inspire others without an invitation from me. Boo. Hiss.

Other people's perceptions

Almost 10 years ago, I was widowed. Only a year later, I got engaged, to my husband of almost 8 years now. And we're still deeply in love. But 9 years ago, when we got engaged, we set our wedding date for 18 months off, only to appease OTHER PEOPLE. Upon discussion and reflection, we finally decided that people who were against me remarrying, would be against it anyway. No matter when it happened. We knew that we knew what we were doing. We were in our late 30's, not lust filled teens. So, we changed our wedding date, and we married, less than 2 years from my late-husband's death. Now, once again, we've heard criticism from the choir. This time, it's not our good friends or family who were concerned for me; it's a website. Yes, we've been tried and persecuted via the web. There is a website that quotes our adoption blog and claims that 1. We are child collectors, and 2. We adopted John so that he could establish a business and subsequently make us rich.
Of course, anyone who knows us, will laugh or gasp. For some reason, I am actually a bit upset. I even took the time to explain that John has earned $75 on his business, and that he kept 100% of the money. And it cost over $20,000 to adopt. How many $10/page letters would John have to write to "make us rich." Why do I actually care what these weirdos think? It did make me want to remove all photos of our family. I did remove photos of our house. Ick. Weird people have it "in" for us because we are "child collectors." According to this group, international adoption is bad, bad, bad!! Really bad. And we're bad people because we adopt. Hmmm. Anyone who has seen the gains made by John and Ben could testify otherwise. Why do I even give a crap? I don't know. But it does bother me that I'm being held up as the bad guy, when our adoptions have been great for everyone involved. This is why we held off over a year telling people that we are adopting again. Ugh. Didn't they learn in kindergarten, the golden motto? If you don't have anything nice to say then Shut the Hell Up!

Saints we ain't

I posted a link to this blog on my facebook page, and so now everyone under the sun knows we're adopting again. I did have to clarify to my facebook "friends," that we definitely are NOT saints. Yes, we want to make a difference in the world, which is why we chose to adopt children with medical needs, but we also just really enjoy having a large family. The camaraderie, the laughing, the noise, the fun of a houseful of  boys is what makes us happy. I am extremely fortunate (PTL!) that I am a stay at home mom (with a housecleaner too!), so the work of a big family isn't too much for me. Yes, I sometimes get upset that things are always getting broken, but overall, a household of children brings us unlimited joy. We do spend a fair amount of time at various Dr. appointments, after adopting, but helping the children get healthy is rewarding too. Ben's mouth was so abscessed and infected that he could hardly eat when he first came home. He only weighed 29 lbs at age 6 1/2, and he was feverish from the infection. Here in the U.S we take oral hygiene for granted. Even our foster children had excellent dental care. Ben had constant mouth pain in China, but a quick trip to a U.S. hospital (we had all his dental work done under general anesthetic so that he wouldn't be traumatized) and he can eat again. Just not hard candy, because he has four crowns! Anyway, my point is that you don't need to be a saint to help orphan children. You can sponsor a child's education in a foreign country, pay for a child's operation (Love Without Boundaries), or donate bottles/wheelchairs to orphanages worldwide. Or adopt!

Older Children adoption

Twice this week I've come across (in my yahoo adoption groups) families who went to China to adopt an older child, and the child simply refused. Wow. I can't imagine the pain these families must feel. After a year and a half of waiting, all the paperwork, all the money, all the training and all the hoops, to get to China, then to have the child essentially reject you. That is a terrible situation for everyone. When we adopted John we didn't even know that he had the option to refuse to go with us, although we did ask him if he wanted to be adopted (through the translator). He said yes, of course, but he was so obviously frightened and nervous, I couldn't tell for sure what he really felt. But, what a nightmare situation for those who are attempting to adopt children who really don't want to be adopted.  And, at age 10, the age where the child has to sign for himself and agree to the adoption, the child can have no idea what kind of a horrible life he/she will have in China after aging out of the orphanage. Occasionally a child can stay in the orphanage as menial labor, but usually the orphan child lives a life of poverty or worse. Many of the children become beggars or prostitutes. The last name Fu (Fu, KangChao) means orphan, so it's not as if our child could quietly blend into Chinese society and get a job. Without family, in China, you are nothing but a bad omen. And looking at how amazingly far John has come in less than 2 years, I can't help but think what a waste it would be to the world if John was left to live on the streets. Almost 2 years later, I realize how blessed we are to have our son John. He could've said, "No." He chose us to be his family. The thought still boggles my mind.