A brotherly discussion

April 15

Have I mentioned lately how much I like having all boys? My last post I recounted some of the challenges of adopting a 5 year old, who acts very much like a 2 year old. Well, last night, Sam and Ben had about enough of Leo’s tyranny and tantrums. Sam (6 ½ years old) told Ben (8 1/2) that they were going to be a team now, and the big brothers needed to set Leo straight. Or at least we are guessing he said something to that affect (it was in Chinese) because Sam then went over to Leo and began to tell him off in Chinese. Sam was wagging his finger in Leo’s face and rambling a mile a minute. I got a little bit of the lecture on video, and I hope to post it later. It is hysterical to watch Sam telling Leo that he had enough of the antics. Sam and Ben then each took Leo’s hands and feet and carried him to the other room, plopping him down on the bed. More dominance boy behavior occurred, and a few minutes later Leo was properly cast as the youngest sibling, instead of the littlest emperor. Honestly, the two big brothers successfully reined in Leo in less than five minutes. I guess I didn’t really need to worry, after all.

Another funny thing that happened last night is that Cheng’s mom, Mrs. Liang, called our hotel. John talked to her for ten or fifteen minutes, and relayed that both Mr. and Mrs. Liang will be arriving at night on April 17. They will come to our hotel on the 18^th. I asked John if he warned them that Leo is not always cooperative, so I’m not sure how much touring we’ll be able to do while they visit. Our witty teenaged son John jokingly answered, “Yes. I told them that if they want to punch DongTong, they will have to get in line.” Yes, it helps us all deal with the situation when we try to keep our sense of humor.

We did end up going on the sight-seeing trip today, just to get out of the hotel for awhile. We took a bus (with the rest of the adoptive families) to a park about 40 minutes away. It was similar to the Genesee Country Museum, in that it was a bunch of new buildings that are supposed to look old and depict the history of the culture. Mostly we just walked around and tried to stay cool. It’s 90 degrees here, and muggy, so no one felt like running around too much. We finally got Leo to walk on his own (instead of being carried) and sit in his own seat on the bus, so we’ve made some progress. Sam continues to be an absolute delight, and he still adores John above all others.

After naps and a 30 min. appointment to fill out the visa paperwork, we ended up at the pool at 4:30pm. Sam (KangChao) LOVES the water!! I’m already online looking for swimming lessons for him. DangTong wouldn’t get near the pool this time. We had dinner at again at the Italian restaurant (no one stares at us there, or even questions us) and then we wound up the evening meeting another family in our room for a little bit. Ben has made friends with their son (bio) who is the same age (8) and they just adopted an almost 3 year old. The father is a pilot and the mother is a dual citizen (Canada and US) and we had a spirited, lively conversation. It’s great to chat with opinionated, intelligent, English speaking people!!!! They only have two children, but they seem like great parents and I’m sure we’ll stay in touch. It’s funny how shared pain (adoption) brings people closer together. Now, it’s 9pm and time to send the troops to bed.

Guangzhou April 14, 2012 video

Here is a video of the kids at the pool. Look how thin Fu KangChao is, and he's from a good orphanage!

April 14, 2012 Medical apppointment

This morning was the cattle call medical appointment in Guangzhou. After the most amazing breakfast buffet ever (really), we met a whole group of WACAP adoption families, and we all took a van to the medical clinic. I can’t even begin to describe the chaos at the clinic. Hundreds of children crying, bodies pressed together in lines, each waiting to visit the various medical stations. There was a room for ENT, one for the TB test, one for the eye test, one for a quick general health exam etc. We were packed in the clinic, like stinky sardines, for two hours. Our boys were amazingly well-behaved, considering the circumstances. DangTong stuck to Baba (Dad, in Chinese) like glue, and refused to be put down. Yes, as I’ve mentioned before, Leo acts like a needy two year old, at the moment. We confirmed during the medical exams that KangChao needs glasses, and that both boys weigh at least five pounds more than did Ben when he was adopted. When we carried Ben all over China, in 2010, at least he was quite light and he would ride piggy-back style. Leo is heavy and insists on being carried like a baby. Yes, we know the clinginess will abate, in time, as will some of his naughtiness. Did I mention that both Sam and Leo are little terrors at times? For instance, Leo (DangTong) picked his nose today, wiped it on David, and then laughed hysterically. We view these shenanigans, overall, as a good thing. To us, it means they are both normal, mischievous, boys. When we adopted Ben, the first day he put his butt in Connor’s face and made a loud farting noise (a raspberry). Potty humor and boogers are funny to boys in all languages.

Right now, I am sitting in the room while the two little boys take naps. David took Ben and John to the pool. Guangzhou is tropical, and the hotel here feels more like a resort in Florida. Don’t get me wrong, we still only have two (rock hard) twin-sized beds (and a small sofa) for the six of us, so we are not on vacation, but at least this room has a separate living room area. Now, we don’t all have to nap and go to bed on Leo and Sam’s schedule.

Tomorrow we are supposed to go on a sight-seeing tour. I’m not sure yet if we’ll join the rest of the group, or skip the tour entirely. While it’s great to meet and chat with other adoptive parents, most of them have adopted toddlers. There is one mother here who just adopted a girl, just before she aged out (age 14). She brought her 13 year old son for the trip too, and he was adopted only two years ago. I want to find out if they are also going on the optional sight-seeing tour. It would be nice for John to get to know other adopted teens and speak to them in Mandarin. By the way, John’s Mandarin is still excellent, according to everyone we meet. He was self-conscious and tongue-tied the first few days in China, but now he’s conversing with the locals easily. Ben hasn’t been so fortunate. Sadly, I seem to know and understand more Chinese than Ben. Our hope was that the language would come back to Ben on this trip too, but it hasn’t. Maybe Sam and Leo will continue to talk to each other in Chinese, and Ben will pick it up again. Time will tell.

It’s evening now, and I’m finishing up the post for today. DangTong is being a big pain in the butt, and we are working out a strategy for addressing his needs and those of our family. We discussed trying the good cop, bad cop, routine, which works sometimes with the kids, but we don’t think Leo can reason on that level yet. Really, it’s like dealing with a naughty two year old, instead of a child who will be 5 next week. For instance, at dinner tonight, Leo threw a butter knife at me. When I sternly grabbed his hand and told him NO, he laughed and tried to do it again with a fork. I put him in my lap, wrapped my arms tightly around him and repeated NO. Then he hit me in the face. I really needed to hold him strait- jacket style, and not let go for at least a few minutes, but we were in restaurant and again people were staring at us. So….I just put him down, ignored him and proceeded to take care of the rest of the boys. Of course, Leo immediately went to David, who also refused to carry him. Remember, this is the kid who doesn’t want to sit alone and wants to be carried 24/7. We were leaving then, and David had to hold his hand while we walked home because the traffic is nuts (and Leo would be in danger walking unattended), but we all tried to send him the message with our body language that he was in big, big trouble. John scolded Leo in Chinese once in the restaurant, and then we all refused to speak to him as we walked. When we got to the hotel, where it was safe, David refused to hold Leo’s hand or pick him up. I don’t know if Leo really understands, but it took less than 10 seconds of both of us refusing to hold him when he said “sorry momma “(in Chinese), “pick me up” (which I did) and he give me a kiss. Now, of course, it’s as if it all never happened. David wants me to be firmer, because I tend to error on the soft side. If you know me, you probably don’t believe that, but David thinks that if I’m not careful, I’ll create a little emperor. Yep, adoption isn’t for the faint hearted. Thankfully, Fu KangChao (Sam) hasn’t had any more melt-downs or trauma in a few days, and he is being an angel here in Guangzhou. He loves the pool, the food, and all things related to the hotel. As long as they take turns being difficult, I guess we’ve got it easy.

April 13, 2012 Guangzhou first day

It was another grueling day of travel. According to David, "All we do in this freaking country is wait in airports." Lol. We had another flight delay, and we sat in the airport for 3 hours, and it wasn’t really that bad. It just annoys some of us (not me, I’m immune) to be constantly stared at and questioned by strangers. We look odd, and they are extremely curious (my words) and extremely rude (David and John’s words). I suggested to John that he just sit with his ear buds in his ears and pretend that his MP3 player doesn’t have a dead battery. Or maybe he could be honest, and say, I really don’t want to answer your questions, it makes me uncomfortable. I remember after Kenny died, total strangers would come up to me and ask the rudest questions, such as, "How are you paying your mortgage?" And "Can I have his new golf clubs. I know he’d like me to have them. "I guess I developed a thicker skin after that debacle, and I also just chalk it up to cultural differences. The best part of the whole trip, according to David, is watching Chinese KungFu movies. John loves to watch them, and David makes up entire dialogues, in English, to go with the scenes. Really, it could make anyone almost wet their pants. If you don’t know him, David has a warped sense of humor. In the midst of what is a stressful time in any family, an adoption, David brings levity. David inserts what he thinks is appropriate dialogue, but he says things like "I am Santa Claus. Wait, I will get my red suit and defeat you!" By the way, the flight from Harbin to Guangzhou was no picnic. DangTong refused to sit in his seat, and was only happy on my lap. The seats on this plane were very close together, and it was impossible to lower the tray table to eat with him on my lap. And it was hot. But when I tried to shift him to his seat, next to mine, he screamed loudly and kicked like crazy. I quickly acquiesced, just to avoid more attention. Did I mention that he’s a momma’s boy? Finally, DongTong agreed to torment Baba for awhile, and I switched DangTong for Fu, KangChao. Fu, KangChao usually looks for space between us. While all this was going on, John and Ben, of course, just slept on the plane; traveling is old hat to them. Interestingly enough, the fact that DangTong really, really wants his momma has influenced Fu, KangChao. Up until now, he’s pretty much rejected both David and me, and he has only responded to our teenaged son John. We understand that this is normal for a child who feels he has been "stolen" from his foster parents. His loyalties indicate that he had relationships, we know, and that is good. But today, Fu KangChao is beginning to ask me to pick him up (I carry DangTong everywhere), and he suddenly kissed me on the airplane, for no apparent reason. So, Fu, KangChao seems to be picking up on the cues that I’m a good momma, and maybe he should also get in on the action while the getting is good.

We finally arrived in Guangzhou, and at the Garden Hotel. Hooray! Civilization! The Garden Hotel is a westernized hotel, where even the maids and room service speak English. We will have electric all the time (unlike in Beijing) air-conditioning (which didn’t work in Jinan), and all the western amenities. I can even order wine with dinner!! Whoo Hooo! The hotel in Harbin is second rate, at best, and honestly, I’m tired of camping. The endless hours in the hotel will be much more tolerable now. Also, we just found out that there is another family here who has a son John’s age, who was also adopted 2 years ago. If they get alone, this part of the trip might be great!

Adoption day of DangTong

April 12 2012

After breakfast (the boys only ate rice and orange, in spite of the huge buffet), we navigated through the snowy streets to return to the Civil Affairs office to complete the paperwork. In Heilongjiang Province (city of Harbin) all the paperwork is completed in one central location. This made it much easier for us all. It was one-stop shopping, so to speak. DangTong became quite the momma’s boy in the offices, refusing to leave my lap. The orphanage director and a few teachers were present, and DangTong did shed a few small tears when he saw them. However, when the director asked DangTong to come to her (he was on my lap) he flatly refused. She laughed and commented that he is bonding well with his momma. Because we were not allowed to actually visit the orphanage, we gave the orphanage director a large cash donation (in addition to the adoption expenses) to help the waiting children. She presented us with a written donation certificate, to show accountability. As I’ve mentioned before, DangTong is several years behind developmentally, and that stems from the orphanage being in a more rural area and lacking provisions. The whole adoption process took about an hour total. We will receive DangTong’s passport tomorrow morning, and head to Guangzhou (a five hour flight) to complete the U.S. consulate part of the adoption process. The rest of our trip will seem like the movie “Ground Hog Day.” We basically get up, eat, and kill time in the room. It snowed quite a bit this morning, so we can’t even take the kids out for a walk. I didn’t bring boots or warm enough jackets. I knew we were only here for a couple of days, and decided that winter gear would be too much to pack. Right now, David and John are playing DS, and the little boys are playing with the balloons I packed.

Thursday morning

It’s Thursday morning here in China, and I thought I’d write more of my impressions of the boys. Sam (Fu, KangChao) is like a typical six year old. He likes to play ball, shooting games, and computer games. He figured out the main electric panel that controls the all the different lights and the TV in about two minutes flat. As I mentioned earlier, Sam already tried to out muscle Ben. Luckily, Ben outweighs him by 10 lbs because Ben is not a dominant personality. Sam likes to wrestle and play physically, and he can be rambunctious at times. We already know that he has a great capacity to love, and we can tell already that he is going to fit in with family quite well.

DangTong (Leo) just explores everything. He takes things out of the bathroom and puts them in his backpack, then takes them out again. He knows how to sort the army men by color, and he likes to stand on the chair and look at the river out our hotel window. Leo carries around a water bottle (or crackers or candy), and offers it to each of us, one at a time. Dang Tong is much quieter and more cuddly. He likes to sit on my lap, and he is left-handed. Both the boys seem to be in great health, although DongTong has lots of pock marks on his face from what I presume was the chicken pox. So far, we’ve yet to see Leo eat anything other than candy or crackers. When his stash is gone, we’re hoping he’ll eat at least rice.

Today we will go back to the Civil Affairs office to make our adoption of DangTong final. Then we’ll go to the notary (which is similar to our court) and the police station to apply for his passport. In this province, we will be able to get his passport within 24 hours. We still don’t have a passport for Sam, which is why we will need to stay in Guangzhou a whole week. We need to wait five days for Sam’s passport to be issued from Jianan, then apply for his US visa at the consulate in Guangzhou on the 20^th.