Loved this post from another adoptive mom..hope she doesn't mind if I share her link. http://www.zehlahlum.com/2012/06/hardest-place-to-be.html

Adjusting!

We are all adjusting more and more as each day goes by. At least 100 times a day Sam asks me about our schedule. Really, it's almost comical. All day long Sam asks questions such as: "Tomorrow, Connor, Ben, John, go to school?" "Baba working today?" "Tomorrow, Sam and Leo, taekwondo?" "Baba driving truck work?" "Today, Momma, taekwondo?" "Today, momma drive boat?" "Tomorrow, Austin's friend?" "Ben and Sam, swimming pool?"
Constantly Sam seeks to know what's on the calendar! Obviously, he has a pretty good idea of our normal activities, and then I throw in a visit to Grandma and Grandpa and it totally throws him off. Grandma and Grandpa live in Florida, but they are visiting (staying at my brother's house) for a week. But Sam suddenly remembers something important...."Grandma and Grandpa, gave Sam...money!" Yep, he's quickly learning the score!
Leo is less inquisitive about our schedule, but just as clever. Leo sets the table (CORRECTLY) every night before dinner. He can say prayers, and he's exceptionally organized and neat. He loves to help clean--hooray!! Leo does still have LOTS of anxiety. New situations, new people, and doctors, make him a bit nutty. I constantly have to reassure him that "Leo is a good boy." Leo doesn't accept even the mildest correction without getting stressed, and upset --and hitting himself as punishment for the minor infraction. He blossoms when praised though. I have to keep reminding the other boys that Ben and John also had lots of issues when they were first adopted. In fact, they still have some orphanage behaviors that we are just used to by now. Ben will still eat until he vomits, if we don't monitor his food intake. John still hoards and hides things. Oh! Did I mention Leo's propensity to hoard and hide? Yes, every time we are missing anything, we know that Leo has squirreled it away somewhere. Usually, he hides things like match-box cars, or bathroom supplies. But a few weeks ago, my credit card and grocery money were missing. Eventually, Ben found my grocery money in a pocket in his backpack, and I found the credit card in the cabinet with the toilet paper. Life can be challenging when you constantly have to watch out for where you put your car keys!!

Building forts

This morning Leo and Sam are doing the most normal thing in the world, building pillow/blanket forts. I honestly didn't even dare hope that they would be playing nicely and playing imaginary games together only six weeks after joining our family. WOW! We actually feared that Leo was on the autistic spectrum, and now here he is cooperating fully and playing make-believe and pretend with Sam. Sam is pushing Leo around in a laundry basket, and they are going to the first "fort," that I now understand is  a drive-thru coffee shop. Sam is running into the fort, and Leo is saying, in English, "Coffee Please" from his make-believe car. Again I say, God is great. Love can't conquer all, but having a family can make the world of difference to a child.

Singing the ABC's

boys doing their taekwondo form--video

Friends--for now!

Hooray!  Leo and Sam suddenly decided to be friends!!!! Yipee! It all started out when Leo forgot his matchbox car, as we were leaving for swimming lessons, and he ran back into the house to get it.  Leo carries toys with him everywhere he goes, and I knew I had to wait for him to retrieve the toy. When he got back into the car, Leo handed Sam a toy too. For some unknown reason, Leo decided that Sam should also have a toy. Later that morning, Sam gave Leo a pair of sunglasses that were stashed in a backpack. Leo was THRILLED. Leo then gave Sam a big plastic straw that makes an obnoxious whistle sound. By nap time, the boys wanted to share a bed and nap together. God is good.

Healing

 Photo is of Benjamin--adopted March 2010


We adopted Leo and Sam only six weeks ago, and there are already obvious signs of healing. I should backtrack and say that every adoption begins with loss. Adopted children lose their birth parents. It’s a sad truth that remains with every adoptee forever. A new family cannot simply negate the feelings of abandonment, but a loving family can help the child’s heart heal.  Our family provides the children with a sense of safety too.

It’s amazing how we take safety for granted.  Our biological children learned since birth that I will keep them safe.  I will catch them, fight for them, and meet their every need, all of the time.  Older adopted children do not believe this to be true. Somewhere in the back of their heads, they always feel the need to ensure their own survival. We see it in subtle ways every day, and all we can do is constantly show them that they will always be safe in our home. For instance, we’ve had to take a hard stance against bullying and teasing. The teens can “joke” with each other sometimes, but the “just kidding” usually slides into bullying if we don’t intervene.

Our adopted sons, particularly Leo, were under the constant stress of survival before they joined our family. As I mentioned in a previous post, Leo often acted like a wild animal the first few weeks.  He was in flight or fight mode every minute. Thankfully, he is healing faster than we hoped. He is learning to trust us to keep him safe and meet his needs. David and I are starting to anticipate the activities that are Leo’s stress triggers, and we are able calm his fears before they overwhelm and claim his poor exhausted soul.

For example, when Leo spills a cup of water, he immediately begins to scratch his head and arms. He will scratch himself absolutely raw when he is scared. Or he will bite his own arm until he breaks the skin, if we do not intervene.   I’m guessing that small spills were a serious offense in the orphanage, and Leo was probably punished when he spilled. We won’t hurt him, so he hurts himself. Now, I simply serve Leo all his drinks in a cup with a lid. No spills lessen the daily stress. Reduced stress means no furious scratching. As the stress of daily life is reduced, Leo is rapidly changing his own behaviors. He rarely hurts himself anymore, and he never hits or pinches me now. For this reason, we seldom implement “time out” or any other punishment when Leo is misbehaving. We’ve found that standard measures of discipline only add to Leo’s stress and exacerbate the behaviors.

What we’ve learned from adopting Leo is that parenting an older hurt child requires a different way of parenting. Our son was so traumatized by orphanage life that our first priority is to help him heal and bond. Only after he heals we can guide him to appropriate behaviors. This is not to say that we don’t get angry and frustrated sometimes, and act accordingly. We are NOT saints. We lose our cool and yell at our kids, just like every other parent. We just try harder to remain calm now. Older child adoption is challenging, yes, but every challenge we meet brings us growth.  How much can we grow as a family? We shall see. We have to remember, the difference between try and triumph is a little umph.