Don't do anything the first week that you are not prepared to do forever!

The best advice I received (from an exchange-student host parent) is the title of this blog. I was just reading the book "No Biking in the House without a Helmet On" and I was reminded of this advice. The first big meltdown/temper tantrum the author had to deal with from her newly adopted daughter was when the mother told the daughter that she couldn't have soda, a week after they got home.  I immediately remembered that an earlier chapter described the pleasure everyone took when they all finally found a cold soda machine in the hot, hot climate of Ethiopia. I was also reminded of the first battles we had with John when we got home. In China, we spent a great deal of time just sitting around the hotel room. The weather wasn't great, and the hotel (The Garden, in Guangzhou) was in a high-priced boutique shopping area. I hate shopping. Consequently, we let the boys watch an unbelievable amount of TV. In addition, because we didn't know the language, we let them order their own food and drinks in restaurants, we let them sleep in as late as they wanted (to offset the boredom) and we stopped at fast food restaurants regularly. We all know that the rules change when traveling. We grab or do whatever is the most convenient.And we so, so, so wanted the kids to be happy and like us, and just be happy. We didn't want to be the parents who say no all the time. But even at the time, and I blogged about it, http://petersadoption.blogspot.com , I knew that I was making a mistake. I knew, even then, that John would have a "rude awakening" when he found out that we get up by 6am everyday, we don't watch TV (we rent movies for family movie nights), and we don't drink soda. Yep. It's been almost two years since the adoptions and John still tries to sneak soda when he can, and I still have to drag his butt out of bed every morning. The TV hasn't been much of an issue because we simply do not receive any stations!! According to John, he got up before 6am for most of his life and never drank soda before meeting us, and yet we are still finding that our "changing the rules" after arriving in America is an issue. So---my biggest advice to those who are adopting is.... "Don't do anything the first week that you are not prepared to do forever!"

Later Jan 5--after educational assessments

After 5 hours of tests, the Dr. determined what we suspected: Ben has a very high IQ, but he's also dyslexic. Really, Really Good to know! Hooray--we are now empowered!!  His high IQ is why he is actually above grade level in math (using blocks and manipulatives), and why he's been able to be at almost grade level in reading, with lots of extra help. A normal special education assessment would not have picked up on his central auditory processing disorder. Next step is to present the report to the school and see if the reading teacher has been trained on a specific reading system (there are 5 to choose from, but Wilson is the most common around here) that Ben needs to use to overcome his processing disorder. The Dr. is willing to train her (and me too!), at no extra charge, if she is not appropriately trained in this specific system. However, the school may require more documentation, since Ben isn't performing horribly in school. He's so smart, he's managed to squeak by (and any deficits would have been blamed on language acquisition). We may have to go to a the language and communication center in Rochester for additional tests just to confirm the Dr. diagnosis. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it. Special education services are provided by our local public school, and they hate sending a special ed teacher over to the private school without lots of documentation! Anyway, the appointment was fruitful, and now we can help Ben learn to read better!

educational assesments

I've blogged before about the challenge of meeting the educational needs of adopted children. First of all, internationally adopted children often lack some basic language skills. Many adopted children are not even fluent in their native language, due to the lack of exposure to normal conversation! Sitting in a crib all day is not conducive to language acquisition. Ben was 6 1/2 years old when adopted, and he had never attended any type of school in his life. However, Ben did speak some dialect of Chinese,but Mandarin speakers could not understand him, even in China. Consequently, Ben lost his ability to speak (his version of) Chinese since his adoption, but he still doesn't have the English vocabulary of a typical 8 1/2 year old American boy (yet). Supposedly, it takes 6-7 years of language immersion to be 100% fluent (reading, writing and speaking) in a language. What this means is, that in order to make certain that Ben receives as much extra help as he needs, we need to have him identified as learning disabled. Our government, in all its wisdom, mandates funding and services only for students who have disabilities. As an English Second Language Learner, there are some supports in place, but for Ben to really succeed we need to establish that he has learning deficits, not just language deficits. By the way, in NYS highly gifted children also receive ZERO support or special classes, as we found out with Connor. We are fortunate that (being in a small private school) our school has gone above and beyond to help all of our children. To make certain that they continue to receive the help that they need, today I am spending the entire day having Ben evaluated at Encompass Resources for Learning. This is the first step to obtain an IEP (individualized education plan). Yes, we can request that the local school district perform the special education assessment (for free!), but I do not trust the powers-that-be any longer. I used to believe that the public school really wanted the best for every child. It took me 20 years of having children in the school district to realize that the evaluators and administrations are really trying to find a way to do what is cost-effective and easy for them. With the budget cuts, and special education being a huge part of the budge already, it is easier, and cheaper, to determine all (but the most severe) children average. Yes, Ben is just slightly below grade level---which is an absolute miracle, considering he's lived here less than two years! But he gets tons and tons of extra help that he will not continue to receive in higher grades without an IEP. I only mention this on this adoption blog because many parents accept what the school says at face value. Don't. It's tedious and frustrating, but as parents of children who are adopted, it is crucial that we fight for our children's educational needs. Again, we are extremely fortunate that we have the resources (both financial, my time and my educational background) to take the steps to take to get what our children need. So---yes, hiring an independent evaluator to test Ben is an expense we don't need, and it will take several days, but we strongly believe that it is money well-spent. Next up---let's see how Sam and Leo do with our homeschooling April-September. Will they also need an IEP? Probably. I'm prepared.

Care packages, photos and letters

Today, I mailed packages to our two little guys in China. I included toys, candy, disposable camera, photos of our family, and assorted little items that a boy would enjoy. However, I didn't get too carried away sending things because Ben told us that he never received any of the items that I sent him, other than the photos of our family. I did enclose a short letter too, with John's help. Google translate, just so you know, is wayyy off the mark. I wrote the letter, translated with Google, and then showed it to John. He just laughed and said that half of it didn't even make sense. Lately, John has been helping other adoptive families write their letters too, for a small fee. He wrote a nice personal letter to a 12 year old girl from Beijing who will be coming home to her family next month. Other translation services can give accurate translations, but John can actually speak to the child's fears. John remembers what it was like, less than 2 years ago, to be pulled from his home, his culture, his friends and his "family." Fortunately, John also knows that he is fortunate to live here in America now. In the meantime, we just wait for April and hope our little guys adjust to our family as fast as John and Ben.

A Plan....maybe. And a rant

Today I received a phone call from our pastoral associate at church, with a brilliant idea! She knows a young woman, who is a recent college graduate, who might be able to stay at our house (with the kids and dogs) when we go to China. I spoke to her for about 15 minutes, and she is going to come over to meet us and the kids on Wednesday evening. I am not going to say problem solved, yet, but we might just make it work. For us, money is always the biggest factor when planning. For instance, both Austin and Connor can probably stay with one of their friends (for free), but then we have to pay to board the dogs. Is it less expensive to have someone stay in our house and let the 2 boys take care of the dogs? It might also be less costly if we leave all four of the children home with the sitter, but we really do view this as the only opportunity to take the boys back to their home country. I doubt we'll adopt again, although I never know for certain what the future holds. The cost of adoption holds us back, more than anything else.

And if you think it's less expensive to adopt from the United States, think again. Adoptive parents in the US usually pay for the birth mother's medical expenses and living expenses while pregnant, the attorney fees, the court fees, and the travel expenses. Then, the adoptive parents have to be prepared to maintain contact with any and all assorted relatives, any of whom can sue for visitation rights (and win). Yes, there are thousands of children in the US foster care system. We are certified foster parents ourselves, and have provided respite care for five children to date. We would've happily adopted the sibling group of four foster children we had in 2008-2009, if the US system would have allowed it. Our foster children had three different fathers, which means that they will not be legally free for adoption until all the extended relatives get their shot at parenting and fail. By then, they will be messed up teenagers. These four darlings, ages 2, 3, 5 & 8, lived with us off and on for a year, every time they were between relatives' homes. It was a nightmare situation for them. So, for those critics who assert that we are neglecting our "own" country's children while adopting from oversees... get your facts straight. There are way more willing adoptive parents than there are children in foster care, but our government places too many barriers to adoption.  Read the statistics, easily found on the US government sites, or on Listening to Parents.  And, by the way, kids in US foster care get a week of free summer camp, tuition assistance, medical care, dental care, clothing, education, and Christmas gifts every year. Most orphanage children internationally suffer from malnutrition and the basic necessities of life. End of rant.

Resolutions

This time of the year everyone is busy making New Years resolutions. I resolve (virtually every year) to lose 10 pounds; every year I lose the weight ,only to gain it back again by the year's end. This year, we will be adding two more little guys to our family and that should be enough accomplishment for now. After skiing yesterday, I cleaned out the basement and brought up the box with the little boys' clothes. It's a bit early, but I was thinking it was time to wash them and put them in their bedroom. We received our letter that our I800 was sent to the NVC on December 22nd. By my calculations, we should receive our article 5 in two weeks, and then our travel approval by the end of January!

New Year approaching

Christmas has come and gone in a flash! Xiao, our exchange student 08-09, came to stay with us for 10 days, and once again our house was filled, almost to the brim with stinky boys! We went skiing for 3 days, and visited an indoor water park. Our routine was disrupted, and, really, everyone survived. This mom hasn't worked-out in over a week (and that's a big deal in our house!), but life goes on. We are all celebrating, and also relaxing. Happy New Years!