Trip dates--foiled again. And Article 5 should be picked up Feb 1st

If you've followed this blog from the beginning, you know that originally we hoped to travel in December (last month). We need to travel during a school break so that John can come with us and not miss more than a week of school. Yes, I know, the trip is educational etc.etc. , and for some kids missing school for a trip to China would be ok. But John is in 9th grade this year, he has only been speaking English for 18 months, and missing even one day is tough for him. Well, obviously we didn't get to travel in December. The next long break John has is Easter break in April. So last night I was emailing our agency about traveling during Easter break, and that too looks to be problematic!!  The Chinese holiday (sweeping out the tombs) is either April 2-4 or 4-6. The actual holiday is the 4th, but we are not sure when the government offices will actually close. If we travel that week, we might not be able to complete the paperwork needed due to closures.  In addition, the second week in April is when Guangzhou has a huge trade show. All the hotels show sold out. I spent hours online looking at hotel options, and even held two rooms at the Holiday Inn Shifu April 6-14, just in case we manage to coordinate our travel for those dates. So....if we can't make April work, we will need to stall our paperwork and plan on traveling in June, after school lets out. I hate to make our kiddos wait any longer though. Somehow, this will all work out. Again, I need to remember that this is all God's work and He is in control. Oh yes, I also found out that our article 5 will be ready for pick up Feb. 1st.

Over a YEAR now

I began this blog just about a year ago, a month after we submitted our application to adopt again. I'll be cliche and say, boy does time fly. Yes, sometimes I get frustrated that our adoption is taking a lot longer than I anticipated. Sometimes I see blogs that feature families who have adopted 6 children from China within 18 months (I'm NOT kidding or exaggerating) and I wonder why our process drags out. But then I remember that I'm not in control, for a reason. I remember that my timing and my agenda are not the focus of our adoptions, our children are. The timing will work out for the best. I do have faith; I just have to keep reminding myself! It's been almost two years since our adoptions of John and Ben, and I continue to be amazed at their progress. John has recently started a translation business. Actually, it's much more than that. He does not just translate letters (English to Chinese) for parents of children who are waiting, he also composes reassuring individual letters to children written from his own perspective. I'm just bursting with pride! Yesterday, John watched the video of a 12 year old girl (her parents emailed it to us) at least 5 times before writing her a letter. In the letter John recounted his own fears about adoption, and reassured the little sweetie that she would be well-loved by her new parents. It's amazing to me, this work that he's doing. I  think it's therapeutic for him too. Next week, we hope to create a movie of John speaking directly to waiting older children, answering their questions and alleviating their fears. Parents will be able to purchase the DVD and send it to their waiting child. John even built a website for his business, although it's a bit rough still! Yes, I am a proud, proud mom. http://adoptionletterstranslate.angelfire.com/index.html

Bragging rights--or not!!

One big thing I've learned as a parent of many years (our oldest is almost 29) is that I can't take credit (or blame) for how these kiddos actually turn out. I do my best, to be sure, but they are each individuals, and they make their own choices, and, really, they each had their own personalities from the day they were born!! My oldest, Leah, was colicky and difficult from day one. She was also amazingly brilliant. She skipped school for 1/2 her senior year and barely graduated, although she scored 100% on all her regents exams and a 1500 on the SAT, without any prep classes or effort. She eventually married a tattoo artist and lives a nomadic lifestyle in Arizona. She's happy. I should be happy. Or so my husband tells me. My second daughter wasn't brilliant, but she was fun and personable. Her biggest goal was to marry well, have fun, and not work any harder than absolutely necessary. She's succeeded. I should be happy. She's happy. I guess I'm happy. Our son, age 16, is just like me. Highly driven, almost obsessive, and a straight A student at an all-boys college prep-school. He runs 45 miles a week, minimum, wearing a 14lb weight vest. Yep. A chip off the ole' block. He's been buying and selling study guides, school supplies and contra-band-soda at school, and has now branched into an ebay business. He found an eraser on the floor in 7th grade, sold and traded all day,and came home with $25. He will do fine, with whatever he pursues. John, adopted at age almost 14, has more spit and vinegar than them all.!! This is a good trait in our house!  He spent the first 18 months fighting me, since he spent a life-time fighting for survival, and then he decided to get my help to start a business of his own. It's all good. Really. He's recently launched his letter writing and translation business, and I swear I spend 2 hours to his 1 coordinating his contacts. He is also writing a book about living in China and being an orphan. He's going to be rich someday.  John is simply amazing, and we're all very happy for him. Connor has been our "highly gifted" prodigy since infancy, and I home-schooled him for several years because he was so advanced. He's been working for a few months on his Itunes game App, to be launched next month. He took a John Hopkins University class a few years ago (age 10) in computer programming, and has been crazy about all that stuff since. Connor is a lot like Sheldon, on the "Big Bang Theory." Highly annoying, at times, and not always aware of normal conventions. Connor will either succeed, or just be weird. We love him just the same. Honestly, he brings creativity to our inside the box thinkers. Connor is a builder too. I took him to the lumber store, yet again, and yet again spent $100 on "stuff." I overhead the guy helping Connor ask, "What school do you go to? I like the way you think!"
Ben is just adorable,overall. Adopted at age 6 1/2, Ben is as smart as a whip, but he struggles to learn. We recently found out that Ben is dyslexic, which makes perfect sense. Hooray! Now we are empowered and we can get the help he needs. Ben is charming, outgoing and delightful, although he does have a temper at times. What will Ben do? What will he become? I can't wait to find out. All I can do is love them all, give them guidance, take them to church (even when they don't want to go) and PRAY TO GOD that they will be happy. Be happy my children. We love you all, so, so much.

Top Ten Things I've Learned as a Parent--REVISED

10. Both eye-rolling and fart noises are universally understood.
9. All kids believe their friends have it better. In the adoption circles, this is, "Mommy shopping."
8.  Siblings fight. I don't know why and nothing I can do will prevent it.
7.Kids are not grateful. Not foreign exchange-students, not foster children, not adopted children and not bio children. Get over it.
6. Block all international telephone calling. (We had a $700 phone bill from hotel in Guangzhou)
5. Internet must be 100% monitored AT ALL TIMES. Kids easily bypass all kidsafe software
4. All teens want to sleep all day and stay up all night. I still refuse to accept this one.
3. Kids want you to show them affection, just not in public. A pat on the head works wonders
2. 80% of parenting a is just being there, 100% of the time.
1. Sharing a weekly activity together goes a long way in building relationships. I run 5k races with them, take martial arts with them, and attend every game/event.
1. I  do the best that I can, but my children have their own free will and eventually make their own decisions. I cannot take credit or blame; they are all individuals.I need to be happy that they are happy.

Don't do anything the first week that you are not prepared to do forever!

The best advice I received (from an exchange-student host parent) is the title of this blog. I was just reading the book "No Biking in the House without a Helmet On" and I was reminded of this advice. The first big meltdown/temper tantrum the author had to deal with from her newly adopted daughter was when the mother told the daughter that she couldn't have soda, a week after they got home.  I immediately remembered that an earlier chapter described the pleasure everyone took when they all finally found a cold soda machine in the hot, hot climate of Ethiopia. I was also reminded of the first battles we had with John when we got home. In China, we spent a great deal of time just sitting around the hotel room. The weather wasn't great, and the hotel (The Garden, in Guangzhou) was in a high-priced boutique shopping area. I hate shopping. Consequently, we let the boys watch an unbelievable amount of TV. In addition, because we didn't know the language, we let them order their own food and drinks in restaurants, we let them sleep in as late as they wanted (to offset the boredom) and we stopped at fast food restaurants regularly. We all know that the rules change when traveling. We grab or do whatever is the most convenient.And we so, so, so wanted the kids to be happy and like us, and just be happy. We didn't want to be the parents who say no all the time. But even at the time, and I blogged about it, http://petersadoption.blogspot.com , I knew that I was making a mistake. I knew, even then, that John would have a "rude awakening" when he found out that we get up by 6am everyday, we don't watch TV (we rent movies for family movie nights), and we don't drink soda. Yep. It's been almost two years since the adoptions and John still tries to sneak soda when he can, and I still have to drag his butt out of bed every morning. The TV hasn't been much of an issue because we simply do not receive any stations!! According to John, he got up before 6am for most of his life and never drank soda before meeting us, and yet we are still finding that our "changing the rules" after arriving in America is an issue. So---my biggest advice to those who are adopting is.... "Don't do anything the first week that you are not prepared to do forever!"

Later Jan 5--after educational assessments

After 5 hours of tests, the Dr. determined what we suspected: Ben has a very high IQ, but he's also dyslexic. Really, Really Good to know! Hooray--we are now empowered!!  His high IQ is why he is actually above grade level in math (using blocks and manipulatives), and why he's been able to be at almost grade level in reading, with lots of extra help. A normal special education assessment would not have picked up on his central auditory processing disorder. Next step is to present the report to the school and see if the reading teacher has been trained on a specific reading system (there are 5 to choose from, but Wilson is the most common around here) that Ben needs to use to overcome his processing disorder. The Dr. is willing to train her (and me too!), at no extra charge, if she is not appropriately trained in this specific system. However, the school may require more documentation, since Ben isn't performing horribly in school. He's so smart, he's managed to squeak by (and any deficits would have been blamed on language acquisition). We may have to go to a the language and communication center in Rochester for additional tests just to confirm the Dr. diagnosis. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it. Special education services are provided by our local public school, and they hate sending a special ed teacher over to the private school without lots of documentation! Anyway, the appointment was fruitful, and now we can help Ben learn to read better!

educational assesments

I've blogged before about the challenge of meeting the educational needs of adopted children. First of all, internationally adopted children often lack some basic language skills. Many adopted children are not even fluent in their native language, due to the lack of exposure to normal conversation! Sitting in a crib all day is not conducive to language acquisition. Ben was 6 1/2 years old when adopted, and he had never attended any type of school in his life. However, Ben did speak some dialect of Chinese,but Mandarin speakers could not understand him, even in China. Consequently, Ben lost his ability to speak (his version of) Chinese since his adoption, but he still doesn't have the English vocabulary of a typical 8 1/2 year old American boy (yet). Supposedly, it takes 6-7 years of language immersion to be 100% fluent (reading, writing and speaking) in a language. What this means is, that in order to make certain that Ben receives as much extra help as he needs, we need to have him identified as learning disabled. Our government, in all its wisdom, mandates funding and services only for students who have disabilities. As an English Second Language Learner, there are some supports in place, but for Ben to really succeed we need to establish that he has learning deficits, not just language deficits. By the way, in NYS highly gifted children also receive ZERO support or special classes, as we found out with Connor. We are fortunate that (being in a small private school) our school has gone above and beyond to help all of our children. To make certain that they continue to receive the help that they need, today I am spending the entire day having Ben evaluated at Encompass Resources for Learning. This is the first step to obtain an IEP (individualized education plan). Yes, we can request that the local school district perform the special education assessment (for free!), but I do not trust the powers-that-be any longer. I used to believe that the public school really wanted the best for every child. It took me 20 years of having children in the school district to realize that the evaluators and administrations are really trying to find a way to do what is cost-effective and easy for them. With the budget cuts, and special education being a huge part of the budge already, it is easier, and cheaper, to determine all (but the most severe) children average. Yes, Ben is just slightly below grade level---which is an absolute miracle, considering he's lived here less than two years! But he gets tons and tons of extra help that he will not continue to receive in higher grades without an IEP. I only mention this on this adoption blog because many parents accept what the school says at face value. Don't. It's tedious and frustrating, but as parents of children who are adopted, it is crucial that we fight for our children's educational needs. Again, we are extremely fortunate that we have the resources (both financial, my time and my educational background) to take the steps to take to get what our children need. So---yes, hiring an independent evaluator to test Ben is an expense we don't need, and it will take several days, but we strongly believe that it is money well-spent. Next up---let's see how Sam and Leo do with our homeschooling April-September. Will they also need an IEP? Probably. I'm prepared.